Destroyed by insecure friend

Assalamualaikum :)

There is someone i have to see her like everyday. As she is _____________.

Back then all was fine. While i'm finding my place, i guess she helped me. Feel like part of the community pon bcs of her.

BUT......

i'm not so sure. Either she used the hard jokes by undermining people or she really is. But not with others more on me. Ei geram

Its likeee whatever you wear is un-branded. Whatever you bought is cheap and hello dont use it. Your move is too cheap, your idea, personality is too bad. You have nothing good. You act like old fashioned and so many more.

At first i took it as jokes. But im totally in the bad condition right now. I used to didnt care at all about what others say for my outfit, my bag, my scarft but with this crazy-B i slowly care. Tension betol camnii.

I even cant decide what to wear for the next day as im destroyed. Bad you!

She didnt great at all. Never in once i look at her and i found her wow. Seriously. But she talked a lot. I blah blah blah. I dont blah blah blah. Euw thats cheap i blah blah. I never have blah blah blah. Which for me, if you great enough you dont have to tell, people will acknowledge it. As eyes understand more than ears.

Tapi tu laaaa. Im getting worst by now.

Tensionnyaaaaa!!!

Huh.

Persiapan kahwin 1

Assalamualaikum ;)

Lol sangat tau bila tetiba rasa nK buat entry ni. Bukan apa bila scroll people's word rasa nak gak lah letak mine. Kot la memory hari tua. Haha.

Aku bertunang lama. Almost a year. Bertunang masa CNY 2014, kahwin CNY 2015. tapi apelaa CNY 2015 hujung bulan Feb pulak. Cepat laa sikit kan best... (gatal. Krik krik)

Nama je bertunang setahun. Aku takdee buat preparation apa pon lepas bertunang tu. Relax jeee. Sebab aku ni berpandangan dekat. Kalau kata 2015, haa 2015 baru aku buat keja.

Tapi biasa la pengaruh family ni kuat. Semua dok push push sampai aku tak tau nak kena rasa apa. Dah lambat ke, relax ke, nervous ke, semua tak tau.

Kiteorang betul betul start kumpul duit tak silap aku Sept 2015. Nasib laaa Allah tu maha mendengar dan pemurah. Right after we decide to get married, i mean we have the date (ni pon lepas kena paksa dengan umi suruh pikir tarikh, i still remember we sat at kedai teh station kot kat damansara and find the date), i got an offer to be a government service (i'm mot proud bcs of govt eh, tapi sebab be uncapable me as i'm tied with master student, keja govt ni dah kira baik la. More time nak buat research ke apa) and Moja too he got an offer to be project architect.
Believe it or not ni memang betul betul time (Sept) kiteorang kumpul duit. Dalam account masa bincang ni 0.00 sen. Kawan Moja sampai tanya 'kau ada duit kee?' Hahaha.

Alhamdulillah berkat kesabaran dan pergaduhan yang banyak kali we able to save the money enough for the kenduri Feb. InshaAllah. Tapi tak yah la expect macam program raikan cinta ke apa. Buat yang mampu mampu jelaa. Oh bergaduh tu sebab we both have to hold the shopping behaviour since we have a big aim. Masa iphone 6 keluar weols pegang pegang dan berangan jeee. Masa sale December 2014 weols pegang, fitting letak balik. Aku kantoi gak 2, 3 barang. Tapi Moja memang behave. Salute aku.

Kat mana aku tadi.. oh persiapan. So bila dah cukup duit, mula laa siap pelan pelan.

Paling penting la bagi aku:

1- borang nikah (we took such a long process to finish this. Tapi aku masih rasa xpeee belum lagi 2015, umi la stressed out hari hari. Huhu)

2- catering (ni umi dengan abi punya kerja. Aku tak ambik tau. As they said i better finish my matters. Ok selamat)

3- baju pengantin, pelamin semua tu ( aku tempah kat norlis. Dah block date. Dah bayar. Sikit lagi je tinggal untuk bayar. Tapi baju semua x fitting lagi. Lepas final exam ni kot inshaAllah. Senang lagi aku book sekali pakej yang included photographer, make-up, pelamin, hiasan bilik tidur, baju 2 pasang, dj, pintu gerbang) - aku dah la malas. Bila ada pakej camni senang kerja aku.

4- doorgift ( ni pon almost settle la kot. Lagi 20%. Aku bagi mathurat dengan coklat kot.)

5- doorgift special ( ni aku dah siap. Tinggal isi dia je belom. Aku bagi tupperware lelong masa ni habiskan stock satu rm5, sejadah mini rm3.20, mathurat, bunga telor, cookies )

6- kad kahwin ( dah siap tempah. Minggu depan boleh amik kot. Nak jemput ni aku malu. Sebab aku ada fear of rejection yang tinggi. Im so scared if they happened to said 'sorry cant come' peh sedih habaq hang!)

7- barang barang hantaran -aku kan malas. Ingat takde dah hantaran ni sebab bertunang dah bagi. Sekali ada jugak. ( nangis weh tengok duit mengalir beli barang barang ni. Tsk) - set safi, perfume, jam tangan, beg, cincin, dress (pompuan) perfume, jam tangan, set tali pinggang (laki)- aku tak ingat la plak ape lagi. Haha

Tu je kot yang ada dalam otak aku buat masa ni. Lepas exam 5hb ni baru nak fokus ke benda kahwin. Tapi kena hanta concept paper before January end. Mohon selamat semuaa. Amin

Susah jadi orang yang tak penah ada taste. Aku takde dream wedding. Aku tak penah kisah pelamin orang camana ke apa, baju kahwin cantik ke tak. Semua tak ambik tau. So bila time aku.... lucky Moja ni memang ada taste. Dia la decide kaler ke design ke concept ke. Siap cakap aku keling bagai sebab main ikut suka hati. Haha.

So adik adik yang nak kahwin nanti, siap siap la ada dream wedding. Nanti korang kena keling jugak baru tau. Haha.

Okk esok keja ni. Dah nak pukul 2 aku tak ngantok lagi. Alahaiiii. :( sebabtu aku membebel panjang panjang. Tapi aku nak bangga dengan achievement aku weekend ni. Siap 33 pages in two days. Lagi 20% nak siap assignment quali then move to advanced historical philosophical ____________. Aku tak ingat.

Selamat malam and have a good day ahead. :)

Dear brain

Assalamualaikum :)

Aku suka sangat berfikir. Kadang kadang bukan masalah aku pon aku suka fikir. Contoh masa praktikal kaunselor, mak ayah satu klien ni bercerai. Tapi aku yang tak boleh tidor sebab tolong fikirkan tah apa apa.

Masa abis SPM aku duduk rumah lama jugak. Tiap malam dari pukul 12 sampai 4 aku boleh pandang ceiling tu fikir. Apa aku fikir pon aku tak tau.

Tapi kalo benda kosong aku fikir takpee impak dia kosong. Penat nanti tertidor la. Tapi...

Bila dah meningkat usia ni, komitmen banyak (cewah), mula la macam sasau sikit. Contoh kalo dah hujung tahun ni biasa la. Student mesti paham. Takdee nikmat weh sejak aku jadi student 4 tahun dulu. Bulan doblas ni ibarat bulan nyawa ke hujung tanduk. Submit assignment A, replace cls, presentation, submit report B, etc etc tau tau dah bulan 2 tahun depan. Sebab tu selagi belaja ni takkan rasa tua. Haha.

As for me now and tonight, i was thinking abt 2 more weeks for final date and exam. This gonna be my last Dec yang busy kot. InshaAllahhh. Tengah aku shok pikir, tetiba goosebump. Mak sempat kee?? Fokus this first do that later. Em ok, for this one ....... up to this hour. Dah nak pukul 1 dah.

Esok aku konpem penat sebab tak cukup tidor. Dengan budak budak perangai hujung tahun ni hebat memasing. Aku kat centre tu, mengucap beristighfar je sekarang. Macam alim kan? Haha. Padahal.... tapi nak berkeras sangat pon tak baik. Budak kan apa dorang tau. So.... istighfar buang syaitan jela.

Ok end up apa yang aku fikir malam ni tak berjaya pon nak laksanakan. I end up think with no action. Lots of delay works which near to the last date. Plus, people ask about mariage prep.

If possible la kan, sekarang ni aku tak nak cakap apa apa lagi pasal ni. Sampaiiiiii 5hb ni. Can u people? More to family. Huhu.

Serius sapa yang ada rasa 'ala kawen jee pun', better take back the word. Sebab bila dah face rasa macam.... BANYAKNYA TAK BUAT LAGI!!! tsk.

Aku dah lupa tajuk apa entry ni. Panjang dah cakap. But this is how i feel right now. More worst is, I start for lost interest to talk with people. Kenapa tah.

Moja tweeted two late night about me. Rasa la jugak sorry. Tapi....... wish he can understand. Busy cycle and woman cycle.

Okbai.

Lusa cuti christmas. Yeay!

Buying foods

Assalamualaikum :)

Since i kind of really practising my Dec and Jan module, kalau nak tau pegi la baca semalam dah tulis hehe, so i have to give my all to that.

Exercise without control the food consumed never works. I read them a lot. Everywhere.

Pills? Stay away please they didnt help for long.

So my work currently have more foods. A lot. So many. So i cant say NO to those poor foods who find stomache to stay.

So all i can do is, control me from taking night foods. Yes for this one i kind of sure i can do it, for the first night.

Itu pon susah weh. Bergaduh gaduh monolog dalaman aku. Beli lah terigin, NO you have to be discipline you ate a lot just now, for this time?, don't lie, okk just a nugget, NO cereal or bread.

Just done with little dinner. Kenyang lagi lah ni. Mohon sampai pagi.

In our little life, just aim to have a more good thing or little improvement than yesterday. I wish everything i set in this module going well. InshaAllah.

When your man asks you to have a good shape or body....
First thought will say 'ah laki semua sama je nak yang cantik! Pegi la jalan'
Think it carefully.
Honestly when i have this extra weight i have lot troubles. I hate to walk, lazy to do things, looks fatty in those not so big dress, less confident when people stare at me, many more.
Second thought will say, yes it good for me now and future. Plus for health. InshaAllah.

So girls jom la sesama amalkan gaya hidup sihat. Cewah! Doakan hasil dia 52kg keee.... aminn.

Preparation mental untuk kahwin 1

Assalamualaikum :)

Dulu masa sebut sebut nak kahwin selalu rasa macam 'susah sangat keee, aku dah ready lama kot'

Tapi bila dah nampak tarikh tu aku nervous tetiba. Tambah part komunikasi tu.

Aku dengan Moja start dari kau-aku. Start dari kawan biasa biasa yang tak terfikir pon i will, inshaAllah, end up with him. Sampai masa berlalu, many incidents jiwa jiwa happened. Siap dia penah suruh aku cari laki lain eh dulu. Macam macam lah, till up to this stage.

Baru baru ni, dia cakap 'you have to change some ways of speak to me, later. Mana laa tau i terasa' -glurppp. He hint a lot about this bila nak dekat dekat ni. Slowly he trains me to say sorry first if we fight into something. (Seriously we fought a lot. Korang camni tak?)

Then this is my biggest hardest thing in life. Of course i do and promise to try. But SUSAH lagi. Kee kena tunggu dah akad nanti then it comes naturally eh?

Wish me luck in this. Be me with four brothers who never speak girly girly ways is really hard. Have friends yang memang rock takde jiwa jiwa. Workmates yang..... kalau kau geli geli ni confirm rasa macam lefted. Mana ruang untuk berubah???

Tapi kalau kita high determined, mesti boleh kan? Ini module bulan 2. Bulan 12 dengan bulan 1 ni lebih kepada kurangkan berat. Its almost end od Dec. Fuh risau!

Okk lah. Esok kerja. Byee! :)

Financial tense

Assalamualaikum :)

Dalam banyak banyak hari, aku paling takut hari gaji. Nak kena divide all the money wisely. Tingkatkan disiplin diri. Semua lah. And all of them are very tense.

Tambah tambah lagi bila kadang kadang tu kereta buat hal kena servis. Tak pon unexpected things to spend and buy. Gila benda macan ni memang tension and nerve a lot.

Ni baru bujang. Yang cuma simpan untuk kawen je. Belum lagi ada family, ada anak semua. MasyaAllah think abt that je dah nerve a lot.

Sebab tu orang kata jangan rely on monthly income je. Go do something extra. Of course i want. But... TALENT is my problem now. Huhu

But i should give it a try. Itu next aim. Skg ni nak rolling rolling duit tu memang tak berani. Sebab yang nak spend untuk kawen ni pon cukup cukup je.

Yang peliknya, dulu aku keja gaji 2000 je. Cukup makan pakai semua. Sekarang..... more than that tapi sokmo rasa tak cukup. Huuuu.

Betul la dulu lect aku cakap, thr more you get, the more you spend.

Tapi pokoknya disiplin. Jangan nak terpengaruh sangat dengan online shop. Dengan sale sale. (Gila bulan 12 banyaknya sale. Tak beli rugi, beli miskin. Haha) kalau disiplin ni kuat, takkan terbabas punya berbelanja. Maybe ada lebih siap. Sapa tau kan?

Wish us all have a good and barakah rezeki and able to spend them wisely. Money may not everything. But everything need money. :)

Byee.

Career jump

Assalamualaikum :)

I can tell my life after degree was so much good and awesome. But i faced million dillemma.

Start with quit the telemarkerter job, as umi said conventional insurance not a good product to sell to people. After thinking and searching, decision made. And i'm quit.

Jump to the phase to continue study or just work. As i'm waiting for the PERMATA imterview result. Then Allah helps, PERMATA result came up. I failed and further my study.

Then, work as Smart Reader teacher was so much intersting and lot of energy needed. I finished my first semester with four subjects and full time worker. Flatted all the day. But yaa im young i supposed to taste them all. Right?

But things changed. I end up quit the Smart Reader job and Alhamdulillah Allah shows me the way by let me be in Smart Math company as tuition teacher. I teach at night. I love this job too much too! (Pft ape jela yang tak love eh?)

Then to fill up my super free time at day,i worked as teacher at one of tahfiz school at Greenwood. MashaAllah seronok sangat i learnt a lot. But not so long time.

I got an offer to be a research assistant for one ethnography study. So go through with it. For like one and half month. Then here I am. With PERMATA.

Just about to adapt this super lovely work, and now...... counselor offer come.  Ya Allah susah sangat nak buat keputusan niii. ;((

Help me. Guide me. Show me the right way. This gonna be my end of career dillemma, i wish. Allahhhh..... i need help from You, the one who really know past and future. The One who arrange thing in the Best way for each of us. Allah You are the Most Knowing, let me make the right decision for me, family, future, Ummah. Allahh... grant my doa Allahh... aminn aminn. ;))

Doa Umi

Assalamualaikum :)

One future banged into me today and really disturbing. Its 1.14am, i cant sleep. These few days, i always feel like want to write my whole life story. Thou not so much WOW, but i do feel those NORMAL story help me grow well. Alhamdulillah.

As tonight let me start with this. DOA IBU.

Aku ni budak biasa biasa je. Orang lain abis SPM 6 , 7 A, aku 1 je. Jujur ni. Memang satu je. Masa dapat result tu, kalo zaman aku, layak lagi masuk IPTA, tapi kos biasa. Bukan hot stuff course.

Masa apply UPU, budak mentah macam aku ni takde aim apa apa pon. Kalau dapat masuk, tak dapat masuk jela IPTS. Aku aim KUIS masa ni. Orang lain dah start apply online, aku apply manual lagi. Beli borang kat BSN. Tapi masa zaman aku ni, 2006 sistem online baru nak famous. Masa ni kalau takde email address tu biasa lagi. Friendster pon baru nak up.

Okk sekali masa lepak dengan kawan sekolah, dorang tanya pasal wang pos mendee tah. Dia macam kalo beli pin kan kita bayar duit untuk register, aku memang terlupa langsung part ni. Balik lepak tu aku cakap kat umi. Umi pon terdiam. Aku anak sulung. Harapan dia tinggi nak aku ke IPTA.

Tah macam mana, few days after that, ada UPU bagi surat suruh bayar wang pos tu. Alhamdulillah. Masa bayar kat pejabat pos, my mom prayed a lot. I saw she pasted the envelop with dua. Balik tu dia pesan doa banyak banyak.

Masa umur camni aku admit kebergantungan aku dekat Allah tu tak sekuat mana. Setakat solat, tadah tangan dah cukup. Additional pray tu memang nan hadoo.

Sampai hari result boleh check thru sms. Aku baru balik tengok budak budak ni lawan ping pong kat SARJANA, acah senior sikit masa ni. Tetiba Alhamdulillah dapat UIA. Okk itu satu la cerita doa ibu.

Lain lain hal, banyak main aku ni dari belaja. Tapi orang selalu cakap kerja aku jalan, otak aku boleh pakai, exam score ( sometimes). Seriously none of them are from me. Aku kuat rasa umi yang punya doa semua ni.

Sama dengan urusan master aku semua ni. Ikutkan aku sangat tak cukup masa tak menang tangan. Mana kerja lagi, mana belajar lagi. Penat! Tapi tu laaa doa ibu jugak.

Banyak kalau nak cerita ada la sampai jadi satu novel tebal pon tak habis.

Tapi bad me, i always fight with her. Kadang kadang banyak yang tak sebulu. Tah laaa.  Mohon umi tak berhenti berdoa. Mohon umi maafkan. Mohon Allah sejahterakan dan mudahkan semua urusan umi jugak. Aminnn.

Okk itu cerita pertama. Nanti cerita yang lain pulak. Banyak nau kat otak ni. InshaAllah...

healthy life

Assalamualaikum =)


ceh ceh. tajuk kan macam pro sangat. Alhamdulillah lah hari ni aku try dah sekali pegi gym kat kompleks kejiranan presint 16 ni. depan tempat keja aku je. masa budak budak tidur, boleh lah curi curi nak ke gym kejap.

dulu masa degree, aku meamng tak sangka aku boleh jadi berisi cam ni. (tak lah tahap gemuk, cuma berisi sikit) masa tu first year aku siap makan pil gemuk. konon nak bantuan gemuk lah katakan.

aku mula kenal Moja dulu, 3 tahun lepas, Akmal masa tu dok panggil aku tiang. TIANG weh. imagine ah kurus habis time tu.

then, sampailah habis degree, naik tapi acah acah je. 50kg camtu.

habis je degree, mula keja, naik tanpa henti. 55kg camtu sampai bulan August, 2014.

ni dah kerja PERMATA, whcih is makanan free and makan banyak kali, berat aku macam kan di pam pam.

sekarang dah 58kg, November 2014.

risau nak February, 2015. yelah selalu orang kawen slim. ni.....

so that's why laaa. I HAVE TO WORK OUT.

mohon consistent and effective. AMINN.

test

Asslamualaikum =)

I ever have few blogs before. I wrote the story. I'm giving up of writing because the laziness growth and when look back at those entries, feel like I want to have a new one. kenapa tah macam tak boleh terima the old entries of me kot. apa nak expect masa muda muda punya entry wajib lah kekasih hati, kecewa, kawan baik baik, touching. lol sangat kalau nak continue with those kind of story lagi.

so let's move on.

this move on blog, I used my own email address which a bit guarantee that I will write till I _____________.


okay this actually not the right time to write. in the library with books. later maybe? INSHAALLAH.

take care, bye =)